My Dad loves Shakespeare, so when I saw this wonderful list of student essay bloopers from Richard Lederer’s website, I just had to post it as part of my “laughter is good for the immune system” project. 😉 I tried to edit the list, but I was able only to take out a sentence or two. Too funny! The entire list can be read on Lederer’s website: http://www.verbivore.com/adven.htm
Dad, this is for you!
- Shakespeare never made much money and is famous only because of his plays and sonics. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing hysterectomies, tragedies, comedies, and errors. I don’t see why he is so popular when his writing skills are so low. He wrote in Islamic pentameter, and you can’t hardly understand what he is saying.
- In one of Shakespeare’s famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. A soliloquy is a conversation between one person. Hamlet has an edible complex [ ]. Oedipus and Hamlet really had a lot in common, even if Freud had not yet been invented.
- In Act Five Hamlet talks to Horatio about a skull that has been thrown up. Act Five comes right after Act Four.
- After Macbeth becomes the Thane of Candor, King Duncan wires Macbeth that he will be spending the night at his castle. Then Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill King Duncan by attacking his manhood. All Macbeth does is follow his wife’s odors. He kills the king on page 14. Macbeth and Lady Macbeth then suffer from quilt. In fact, they have so much quilt between them, they can’t sleep at night.
- During the banquet scene, Lady Macbeth is afraid her husband will expose himself in front of his guests. Then Lady Macbeth gets kilt. The proof that the witches in Macbeth were supernatural is that no one could eat what they cooked.
- Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo and Juliet belonged to the families of the Montages and Copulates, and Lady Copulate disliked Romeo.
- Romeo saw Juliet for the first time at the massacred ball. They tell each other how much they are in love in the baloney scene. After much fighting in the pubic square, Romeo’s last wish is to be laid by Juliet. When Juliet died, they had a funeral in her wedding dress.
- In Julius Caesar, Brutus is a tragic hero despite dying at the end. In Julius Caesar, the toothslayer warned Caesar to beware the March of Dimes. He is murdered by the Ides of March because they think he is ego-testical. Dying, he gasps out the words “Eat you, Brutus!” Then he dies with these immortal words: “Veni, vedi, vici.”
- In The Merchant of Venice, the Rialto is the business part of Venus. Bassanio loved Portia, but he had no money to press his suit. Taming of the Screw is a play about Petruchio, who takes Kate from a bitter screw to an obedient wife. In A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Puck turns Bottom’s head into an ass. The clown in As You Like It is named Touchdown.
- In Anthony and Cleopatra, Cleopatra reclined to become Mark Anthony’s mistress. She took the Roman Empire one man at a time. The barge she shat on, like a burnished throne, glowed on the water. The poop was beaten gold.
- Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
Thanks for this tasteful tribute to the Beard of Oven. At least you left out Cole Porter’s “Kiss Me, Kate” line about Coriolanus. Dad