Jokes for the Immune System

August 8 2010 post. Extracts from complaints written by council tenants to their Housing Departments.

  • My bush is really overgrown round the front, and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
  • He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house, and I just can’t take it anymore.
  • It is the dog’s mess that I find hard to swallow.
  • I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
  • I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
  • And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
  • I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
  • My lavatory seat is cracked; where do I stand?
  • I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
  • Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
  • I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
  • 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are plain filthy.
  • I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
  • The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
  • Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny colour & not fit to drink.
  • I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6 am his cock wakes me up, and its now getting too much for me.
  • The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
  • Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
  • I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
  • Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

***

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a “handy-woman” and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. “Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” he said. How much will you charge me?” The blonde quickly responded, “How about $50?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man’s wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, “Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?” He responded, “That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?” The wife replied, “You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we’ve been getting by e-mail lately.”

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already?” the husband asked. “Yes,” the blonde replied, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

“And by the way,” the blonde added, “it’s not a Porsche, it’s a Lexus.”

***

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.” The cats says, “Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.” God says, “Say no more.” And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, “All our lives we’ve had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run anymore.” God says, Say no more. And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates. About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, “How are you doing? Are you happy here?” The cat yawns and stretches and says, “Oh, I’ve never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you’ve been sending over are the best!”

***

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, Bring me my red shirt! The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, Bring me my red shirt! And once again the battle was on. The Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, however this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day’s occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle? The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, Bring me my brown pants!

***

The Hikers. One day, Joe, Bob and Dave were hiking in a wilderness area when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. Joe prayed to God, saying, “Please God, give me the strength to cross this river.” Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, although he almost drowned a couple of times. Seeing this, Dave prayed to God, saying, “Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river.” Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times. Bob had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, “Please God, give me the strength and the tools, and the intelligence, to cross this river.” Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

***

Joke with a message. A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and, as he got closer, he noticed a man sitting at a desk off to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, “Excuse me, where are we?” “This is Heaven, sir,” the man answered. “Wow! Would you happen to have some water?” the man asked. “Of course, sir. Come right in, and I’ll have some ice water brought right up.” The man gestured, and the gate began to open. “Can my friend,” gesturing toward his dog, “come in, too?” the traveller asked. “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t accept pets.” The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another steep hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. “Excuse me!” he called to the man. “Do you have any water?” “Yeah, sure, there’s a pump over there, come on in.” “How about my friend here?” the traveller gestured to the dog. “There should be a bowl by the pump.” They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveller filled the water bowl and took a long drink, then gave some to the dog. After they had both quenched their thirst, they walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree. “What do you call this place?” the traveller asked. “This is Heaven,” he answered. “Well, that’s confusing,” the traveller said. “The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.” “Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That’s Hell. Doesn’t it make you mad for them to use your name like that? No, we’re just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.”

Sometimes we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word. Maybe this will explain. When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.When you have something to say, but don’t know what and don’t know how, you forward jokes.Also, to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get? A forwarded joke.So, the next time you receive a joke, don’t think that you’ve been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you’ve been thought of today, and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime.

***

The morning after attending his company’s anniversary party, Jack wakes up with a huge hangover. He doesn’t even remember how he got home from the party. He is troubled by a vague feeling that he did something wrong. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees are a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the bed table. He sits up and sees his clothing laid out in front of him, clean and pressed. He looks around the room and notices that it is in perfect order, spotless and tidy, as is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, but then cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he sees a note stuck to the corner of the mirror: Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian

He staggers into the kitchen, and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son what happened last night?”

“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, you were sick in the hallway, and you got that black eye when you stumbled into the door.”

Confused, he asked, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??? “

His son replies, “Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you yelled, Lady, leave me alone, I’m married!!!”

***

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Esther would say, “Morris, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.” Morris always replied, “I know, Esther, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Esther said, “Morris, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride in that helicopter, I might never get another chance.” To this, Morris replied, “Esther, that helicopter is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride, I won’t charge you one cent! But if you say just one word, it’s fifty dollars.” Morris and Esther agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Esther and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to make you yell out, but you didn’t. I’m really impressed!” Esther replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Morris fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

***

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her: “Hello, how are you? We’ve been waiting for you! Good to see you.” When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, “This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in? You have to spell a word,” Saint Peter told her. “Which word?” the woman asked. “Love.” The woman correctly spelled Love and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. “I’m surprised to see you,” the woman said. “How have you been?” “Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you died,” her husband told her. “I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! So, how do I get in?” “You have to spell a word,” the woman told him. “Which word?” her husband asked. “Bisdemethoxycurcumin.” Well, ok, so the original word in the punchline was “Czechoslovakia.” But isn’t it MUCH better this way? ;-)

***

While walking down the street one day a U.S. senator is hit by a bus and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
 
“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”
 
“No problem, just let me in,” says the man.
 
“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
 
“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” the senator protests.
 
“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”
 
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
 
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
 
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises…The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
 
“Now it’s time to visit heaven.”
 
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and St. Peter returns.
 
“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”
 
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”
 
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
 
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. “I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”
 
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.”

***

Teacher: “Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?”

Nick: “What do you think it is?”

Teacher: “I don’t think, I KNOW!”

Nick: “I don’t think I know, either!”

 

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an “I”.

Student: I is the…

Teacher: Stop! Never put ‘is’ after an “I”. Always put ‘am’ after an “I”.

Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

 

Two cows are standing in a field.

One says to the other “Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?”

The other one says “No, it doesn’t worry me in the least, I’m a horse…”

 

Last but not least, try this one on your friends and family (I got a few guffaws out of this one..both my parents fell for it…hehe):

 

“Spell SPOT three times.”

“S P O T , S P O T , S P O T”

“What do you do when you come to a green light?”

(answer is invariably=) “Stop!”

“What, at a GREEN light?”

 

***

Two factory workers are talking.

The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”

The man replies, “And how would you do that?”

The woman says, “Just wait and see.”

She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”

The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”

The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”

The man starts to follow her, and the boss says, “Now where do you think you’re going?”

The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”

 

***

 

 

This is a compilation of love song lyrics supposedly translated into English by ESL (English as a Second Language) students. Most amusing, I thought -) :

 

From morning’s glaring sun to the smelly afternoon,

You are always inside my lonely brain 

I hope we meet in an accident very soon.

My heart will not stop hemorrhaging for you.

The night you squeezed me I visited heaven.

Your love flies me swiftly into a mountain.

You make my heart sour.

One day, you will startle yourself and say “oh no!

Why did I walk the opposite direction of him?

Like the fishes need the ocean beach, I need you.

When you kiss me, you make my blood evaporate.

Your lovely, unwrinkly skin requests my attention

You will always be my lemon moon ray lover.

***

 

CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?

 

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

 

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

 

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

 

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

 

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

 

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

 

CONCLUSION

 

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

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