A MM listserv member posted some amusing patient reports (real ones!) yesterday, and inspired me to look up some more. Here are some of the ones she listed (thank you!):
The patient refused an autopsy.
Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
She is numb from her toes down.
In Richard Lederer’s “Fractured English” and “More Anguished English,” I found a few more gems:
She is quite hard of hearing. In fact, she can’t hear at all in the left eye.
Sinuses run in the family.
He was eating his tray so I didn’t examine him.
He has an allergy to asthma.
The patient is a three-year-old who has been vomiting off and on for twelve years.
My personal favourite: the patient was bitten by a bat as he walked down the street on his thumb. Hehe.
This morning I went to visit my neighbours, who have three newborn kittens and three 1.5 month-old kittens (two different mothers, one of whom is my boy Piccolo’s mother). This is the cutest photo I took (of one of the 1.5 month-old kittens). Is cat number four on the way? 😉 My neighbours, of course, are urging me to take all their kittens! (They already have eight cats, two dogs and two turtles…)
Have a great weekend, everyone!
Oh Margaret, we love kitty pictures at our house. Thank you!
The patient report one-liners you included are particularly good, I think. Ha!
Baby kitties are pretty tempting, aren’t they.
Our Myeloma Guy is back home; hurrah.