I wasn’t, until I reached my early 30s when for some unknown reason I began to develop a bit of flying anxiety. Hmmm, well, on second thought, it could have started when I landed in Toronto once during a snowstorm. That was NOT fun. At any rate, what follows is a collection of (apparently!) REAL in-flight announcements. I saved the best for last

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light €˜em, you can smoke €˜em.

Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: Whoa, big fella. WHOA!

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.

Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.

Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a Thanks for flying our airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question? Why, no, Ma’am, said the pilot. What is it? The little old lady said, Did we land, or were we shot down?

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on the horn, Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of US Airways.

And now for MY personal favourite:

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax OH, MY GOD!

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, Ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants! A passenger in coach yelled, That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!

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July 8 2007 post: a new listserv friend (thank you!) just sent me this flight story to add to my funny pages for the immune system, as follows:

My son and I were flying back to Arizona from Nevada on a Southwest Airlines flight. There was a storm and it was very turbulent. The pilot came on and announced that he was changing altitudes to try to avoid the turbulence. He did this twice, but it didn’t help. Finally he came on and made this announcement after telling us to buckle our safety belts and having the flight attendants check to see that we had done so:

Attention passengers, we are climbing from 25,000 feet to 30,000 feet. We have never done this before, so uh, sit tight. Good one!