Amusing (Real!) Patient Reports

These are taken mostly from Richard Lederer’s “Anguished English” series:

The patient refused an autopsy.

Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She is numb from her toes down.

She is quite hard of hearing. In fact, she can’t hear at all in the left eye.

Sinuses run in the family.

He was eating his tray so I didn’t examine him.

He has an allergy to asthma.

The patient is a three-year-old who has been vomiting off and on for twelve years.

He states he hit his head on his forehead.

My personal favourite: the patient was bitten by a bat as he walked down the street on his thumb. Hehe.

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